HogwartsThe Insane Asylum
by sh0rtxd0rksta
Summary: I DON'T KNOW...LOTR STARS! LMAO! R&R please! chapter 6 is up!
1. Harry's Insane

Hogwarts...The 'Insane' Asylum  
  
By: DracoLishuzZ  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING...even if I did...I GOT DIBS ON DRACO... :)  
  
Chapter 1: Harry's A "Man" And He's Also Insane!  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
Harry sat down in one of the common room chairs crying to himself. "Why am I not a man yet?" he asked himself in his squeaky mouse-like voice. He cried some more and when he couldn't take it he threw a tantrum and pounded on the ground wailing. "I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm not a boy! I'm a MAN!" Harry yelled again in his squeaky voice as the whole common room stared at him.  
  
Ron and Hermione wanted to tell him so badly that he was still a boy but figured not to upset him some more. So they went to Harry to TRY and comfort him.  
  
"Harry you are a boy...er...Man," Hermione said; even she has reached puberty; her voice much deeper then the year before.  
  
"Yeah..." Ron said biting his lip then quickly muttered, "In your dreams" so that only he could hear.  
  
"It's easy for you to say! You two aren't the ones who sounds like a mouse!" Harry whined. "I don't even have my pubes! SEE!" Harry said and pulled down his pants so they could see his...er...baby dick.  
  
"EW!! That is one tiny ass dick!" Hermione yelled and ran away screaming "NOT ENORMOUS! NOT ENORMOUS!"  
  
"You should uhm...pull your pants up I don't think anyone would want to see that..." Ron said disgusted and walked away leaving Harry there with his dick hanging out for the whole common room to see. Not much to his surprise everybody laughed at it; so he zipped up his pants and walked out of the common room.  
  
His head hung low as he walked through the corridors and for some reason he bumped into Draco Malfoy and his usual buddies.  
  
"What the hell Potter?" Draco said pushing Harry away from him. "Don't touch me..." Draco added.  
  
"I'm sorry..." Harry sniffed.  
  
"What's wrong with you? Haven't reached puberty yet, eh Potter?" Draco said smirking and figuring out why Harry was sad.  
  
Harry nodded and wailed on Draco's shoulder. "I WANT TO BE A MAN!" Harry yelled into Draco's shoulder.  
  
"Get-off-me-Potty..." Draco said icily.  
  
"FINE! BE THAT WAY! YOU WEREN'T LIKE THAT YESTERDAY AT MIDNIGHT!" Harry yelled in his mouse-like voice and ran away.  
  
"What's he talking about?" Crabbe asked Draco.  
  
"Yeah, you two didn't do anything did you?" Goyle smirked.  
  
Draco turned around, "We, I mean I, didn't do anything last night..." Draco said turning red.  
  
"Is that why you were gone last night? Because you didn't do anything?" Goyle asked.  
  
"SHUT UP IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! IT'S NOT MY FAULT I GOT DRUNK!" Draco yelled and ran away.  
  
"Whoa...I think they did something together..." Crabbe said while Goyle nodded.  
  
Harry reached the end of the corridor and ran into the wall. He fell backwards and his head slammed onto the ground.  
  
"OUCH!" He said getting up and rubbing the back of his head. He opened his eyes and looked around; he was in the Room of Requirement. He smirked at the thought of him wearing whore garb and chasing after his crush-Ronald Weasley brandishing a whip.  
  
Suddenly out of nowhere whore garb and a whip appeared out of nowhere and landed on Harry's lap. He squealed with delight and immediately put the garb on. He thought of a mirror so he could look at himself; suddenly a mirror appeared. Harry immediately stared at himself in the mirror.  
  
He was wearing an extremely tight thong and a police hat; both were black. The whip was also black it even gave a leathery scent. Harry walked out of the Room of Requirement with his cloak back on so as to hide the garb. He walked back into the common room finding no one there but Ron finishing his homework.  
  
"Ickle Ronniekins...I need your opinion with this outfit of mines!" Harry squeaked.  
  
"Ok then, well, lets see it!" Ron said looking up from his studies. "Oh, and don't call me ickle Ronniekins," He added.  
  
Harry grinned widely and took the cloak off. "Hehe...Ronniekins...prepare to be whipped really hard in the ass!"  
  
"OH NO!" Ron said and backed away from Harry.  
  
"RONNIEKINS! COME BACK!" Harry yelled and started to chase Ron around the common room waving his whip around like a wand.  
  
"OUCH, HARRY STOP!" Ron yelled while rubbing the spot were the whip hit him.  
  
"Hehe! Ron this is so much fun!" Harry said.  
  
"NO! IT'S NOT! THAT WHIP HURTS!!" Ron said turning really red.  
  
The hole to the common room suddenly opened and in came Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Potter what is the meaning of your whore garb?" Professor McGonagall asked eyeing his outfit with interest.  
  
"Oh! Nothing Professor!" Harry said and whipped Ron again.  
  
"OW!" Ron yelled.  
  
"Really...well this may come as a shock but...I need that whore garb," Professor McGonagall said sternly.  
  
"Why, Professor?" Harry said looking disappointed that he had to give the garb away.  
  
"Because Professor Dumbledore and I are to do something...Oh fuck it, Potter hand me the whore garb...NOW," Professor McGonagall demanded.  
  
Harry took the whore garb off and muttered a very sad "Fine," and stood there naked.  
  
"Thank you Potter...Oh and I suggest you two do this somewhere more secluded," and Professor McGonagall quickly went out of the portrait and disappeared.  
  
"That was...odd," Ron said. Harry stared intently at Ron; but Ron didn't notice so Ron just stood there thinking about what just happened. Suddenly Harry had a "bright" idea and jumped on Ron.  
  
"KISS ME! KISS ME!" Harry yelled trying to kiss Ron.  
  
"EW! NO!" Ron said trying to free himself from Harry's grip but couldn't.  
  
"OH RON! DON'T YOU SEE? OUR LOVE IS DESTINED IT IS OUR FATE!" Harry squeaked and tried to kiss Ron again.  
  
Ron jerked his head out of reach of Harry's lips and replied, "Look Harry, I'm not gay! I LOVE HERMIONE!"  
  
"Oh...so that's how you want to break it to me is it?" Harry replied.  
  
"Huh?" Ron said looking confused.  
  
"After all these years...I thought this year you would love me!" Harry said. "And I got pretty damn close too! But it's all that Granger girls fault! I'll kill her!"  
  
"Harry! NO! Don't kill her! KILL ME INSTEAD!" Ron said praying that Harry wouldn't kill his love.  
  
"Why would I want to kill you?" Harry said confused. "I love you, Ron,"  
  
"And I'm sure I love you too, but not in the gay way..." Ron muttered his eyes wide in shock.  
  
Harry didn't listen to the other part of the sentence he only had the part of the sentence BEFORE the comma stuck in his mind.  
  
"You said you love me!!" Harry said and suddenly jumped off Ron and pranced around the common room saying, "He loves me, not her!"  
  
Ron took this moment to get the hell away from Harry and he ran out of the common room before Harry noticed he had gone. Once Harry figured out that Ron had left him he thought it was a game and started to search for Ron.  
  
"Oh were oh were can my ickle Ron be? Oh were oh were can he be? With his hair cut short and his body really big oh were oh were can he be?" Harry squeaked and searched around the common room but didn't find Ron anywhere so he decided to check the corridors and halls.  
  
"Oh were oh were can my ickle Ron be? Oh were oh were can he be? With his hair cut short and his body really big oh were oh were can he be?" Harry repeated. He searched and searched but didn't find Ron anywhere. Instead he found Filch the Caretaker butt-fucking his cat, Mrs. Norris.  
  
"Hullo, Filch!" Harry squeaked. Filch quickly looked at a naked Harry and stopped butt-fucking Mrs. Norris.  
  
"What are you doing here, Potter?" Filch said quickly eyeing Harry and licking his lips with hunger.  
  
"OH! I'm just looking for my ickle Ronniekins!" Harry sceamed.  
  
"Oh...well he's hiding in the broom closet two corridors down..." Filch said and returned to butt-fucking his kitty.  
  
"Thanks, Filch! See ya later!" and Harry quickly ran down to the broom closet two corridors down. He opened it with enthusiasm.  
  
"H-Hi...Harry..." Ron said a very pained expression on his face.  
  
"HULLO RON!" Harry said and jumped into the broom closet and closed the doors.  
  
5 hours and 45 minutes later Ron came out of the broom closet and slowly walked away from it. Never in his life had he been butt-fucked for 5 hours and 45 minutes. His ass was sore and his face was pained and his voice ached.  
  
"That was great, Ron!" Harry said. "Meet me here again tonight!"  
  
"Aaaaah..." Ron said.  
  
"Well we better get to our class!" Harry said and slapped Ron on the ass.  
  
"Don't do that! My ass hurts..." Ron snapped.  
  
"Does that mean you didn't like it? Did you want it rougher?" Harry asked with concern.  
  
"NO! I don't want anymore of it!" And for a person who'd been butt-fucked for 5 hours and 45 minutes Ron ran pretty fast down the corridor and into Snape's Potions Class. Harry followed Ron into the class and sat down next to him. Ron gulped in horror.  
  
"Ickle Ronniekins! Don't try running away from me!" Harry squeaked and hugged Ron in front of everyone. Everyone in the class laughed at them and Ron started to cry.  
  
"What's wrong ickle Ronniekins? Don't like being hugged from your boyfriend?" Draco said grinning devilishly.  
  
"Actually, Malfoy...You're right," Ron gulped.  
  
It took a moment for Ron's sentence to slip in and Draco laughed maliciously as he turned around.  
  
"You...d-don't l-l-l-like h-h-hugs Ronniepoo?" Harry said on the verge of crying.  
  
"It's not that it's just...Harry...I don't like you like that..." Ron said cringing up his face.  
  
"AAAAHHHH!!!!" Harry yelled and ducked under the desk to cry. "Ickle Ronniekins...NOOOO!!" Harry bawled.  
  
"Are you ok, Harry?" Lavender asked him.  
  
Harry nodded, "Yes, at least I still have my midnights with Drakiepoo to look forward too," Harry announced and glanced over at Malfoy. Draco's eyes suddenly widened and he too wanted to make Harry suffer...not that he already did.  
  
"Draco...what the fuck does he mean by that?" Pansy Parkinson asked shocked.  
  
"I-I don't know...Harry's insane...Yeah, that's what...Harry's insane," Draco said and nodded while he said it.  
  
"What are you talking about Drakiepoo? I'm not insane!" Harry said jumping up and down. "Ron's insane! He missed a perfectly good chance with me! Now you have me, Drakiepoo!"  
  
"Y-You're insane H-Harry..." Draco said.  
  
"DO I LOOK INSANE TO YOU?" Harry asked. As a matter of fact Harry did look insane...He was standing naked in front of the whole class, his glasses specked with...white stuff, his eyes going every direction and he was drooling like a Bloodhound.  
  
A few people nodded...OK the whole fucking class nodded when Harry asked his question.  
  
"YEAH? WELL GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE ALL FUCKING BLOODY INSANE!" Harry said and ran out the classroom flicking everyone off...even Professor Snape who was at his desk watching the scene with an amused look on his face.  
  
"Now that Insane Potter has gotten out of my class," Snape began standing up, "I think we should celebrate! I'll teach you all the Macarena!" and Snape started doing the Macarena...*scary...isn't it? lol.*  
  
Meanwhile in Hermione Granger's mind...  
  
Maybe...I can sleep with Snape this afternoon so he could bring my potions grade up...but wait.I have to do Flitwick too...oh this is getting harder by the minute! I never thought I'd have to sleep with the teachers in order to pass on to the next grade level! Oh and their so demanding...especially Binns...after all he is dead I just can't understand why he'd want to ram his old dead ghastly thing in my nice fleshy sexy vagina...and McGonagall whoo is she tiring...I just hope nobody besides the teachers find out about this or I'm screwed for life!  
  
End of Hermione Granger's mind...quite disturbing, eh?  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-  
  
Anywayz...just click that little button down there and reply! Haha...next chapter to come: Hermione's Not So Secret. Stay tuned for more of Hogwarts...The 'Insane' Asylum. 


	2. Hermione's Not So Secret, Secret

Hogwarts...The 'Insane' Asylum  
  
By: DracoLishuzZ  
  
Disclaimer: eh? uhm...me no no own nothing... T-T lol because...because...J.K Rowling took my ideas and put them in a book...*sniff*...SIKE! she didn't do that...But I did that...muahahah!  
  
NOTE MUST READ: I MADE UP THESE STUPID NICKNAMES FOR EM! SOME WITH MY FRIEND GIENAH AND OTHERS MADE UP!!! SO I WOULD GLADLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN'T USE THEM AS YOUR OWN!  
  
Chapter 2: Hermione's Not So Secret, Secret  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
Hermione crept down to the dungeons. She just came back from Flitwick's office to "talk about charms". Now she had to go down to Snape's office to "talk about potions". She came to Snape's dungeon and knocked on the door.  
  
"Come in," Said a voice from the other side.  
  
Hermione walked into the classroom her cloak covering up her body for she wasn't wearing anything besides that stupid cloak.  
  
"Ah...Hermione! About time, too!" Snape said brightly and clapped his hands together. Hermione walked closer to Snape and laid her lips on his...greasy...oily...well you get the picture...lips and they were at it for about 15 minutes...*disturbing...eeeek!*  
  
Ginny walked down the halls to the dungeons. She forgot her book bag in Snape's potions class. How in hell could I forget it? She thought as she practically ran down the dungeons and ran into Drakiepoo-poo *I have no clue why I called him that...* and Crabbers and Gargoyle *me and gien's nicknames for Crabbe and Goyle...*  
  
"Oh looky at who it isy!" Draco 'Malicious' Malfoy said.  
  
"Don't mind him he just sniffed a lot of cocaine up his nose..." Gargoyle explained to Ginny.  
  
Ginny looked at Draco then to Goyle then to Crabbe and back again to Draco who now had a nosebleed.  
  
"Oh looky! Bloody isy rushingy downy my nosy!" Draco said and licked the blood running down to his mouth from his (as Draco puts it) nosy!  
  
"Uhh...yeaaaah..." Ginny said. "Look you dumbasses I have to get my book bag from Snape's classroom or I'm gonna fail every single motherfucking class I'm in so move it!" Ginny yelled.  
  
"Ehehehehe! We gotta movey ity!" Draco said and signaled for Crabbe and Goyle to follow him, which of course they did...  
  
Ginny rolled her eyes and marched off to Snape's classroom. She didn't bother to knock because she thought that Snape would be all alone giving bad grades to everyone in Gryffindor besides Hermione for some reason. Ginny entered the classroom didn't bother to look at what Snape was doing with Hermione...wait! HERMIONE?! WHOA! Ok anyway...Ginny picked up her book bag and started for the door but as she looked up at the desk she saw Hermione butt naked giving Snape a lap dance...  
  
"What the bloody fuck is going on...?" Ginny said quite loudly so they could hear her. Hermione suddenly stopped dancing and Snape looked at who made the noise.  
  
"Oh dear God...It seems like we've been discovered by a certain red head..." Snape muttered and pushed Hermione off his lap.  
  
Hermione thought it was Ron but she didn't know much of anything so she said, "RON OH GOD I AM SO SORRY!" but when she figured out it was GINNY she immediately said, "Oh Ginny it's you..."  
  
"Yes, it's me..." Ginny said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Uhm...Ginny I'll give you very good grades throughout the rest of the year if you don't tell anyone!" Snape said.  
  
"That was sick...I am so totally fucking scarred for life..." Ginny said and ran out of the classroom.  
  
"Er...I'll take that as a yes..." Snape said and took Ginny's Veritaserum Essay and gave it an O for outstanding.  
  
"Uhm...I think I'll go now..." Hermione said and took her cloak wrapped it around her and left Snape there.  
  
As the next day came which of course was a very sunny Saturday Ginny walked around muttering like she was insane. (Muaha...got the idea from That 70's Show when Forman saw his parents mating like they were on the Discovery Channel muahahah!)  
  
"Ginny what's wrong?" A very confused premature Harry squeaked at her as they walked down to the Great Hall for breakfast.  
  
"They were not having sex!" Ginny said very fast and ran down to the Gryffindor table.  
  
For the rest of the day if anyone talked to Ginny she would say random things about what she witnessed last night. She'd say things like, "Don't talk about Snape to me!" and "Hermione! EEK!". Most people thought she was going insane but Dumbledore and Snape and Hermione knew why she was acting like she was. So that night at exactly 7:00 she got a note from the Headmaster to meet him in his office along with Hermione and Professor Snape.  
  
"You wanted to see me, Headmaster?" Ginny said and her right eye twitched as she saw Professor Snape and Hermione was there with her.  
  
"Yes, Ginny...I am aware that you saw Professor Snape and Hermione last night doing things they shouldn't be doing," Professor Dumbledore said calmly.  
  
"How do you know?" Ginny asked with curiosity.  
  
"Uh...let's not talk about that part...yet," Dumbledore said. "I for one forbid Hermione to stop this nonsense about sleeping with the teachers to get good grades...that's what the muggles do," He added.  
  
"Yes, Headmaster, sir," Hermione said to the floor.  
  
"Ok, ok, ok get to the part of how the fuck you witnessed this!" Ginny said.  
  
"Calm down, firehead!" Snape said.  
  
"Severus I will not allow you to talk to my students like that unless I talk to them like that!" Dumbledore said. "Anyway, Ginny, I'll get to that part after I paint my toenails! It's exactly...7:05 and that is the time I paint my toenails," Dumbledore said and took out some dooky colored nail polish and started apainting.  
  
After the headmaster finished his painting of his nails he laid his feet out on his rug and blew on them so they could dry "faster".  
  
"Well since I'm done painting my nails!" Dumbledore squealed with delight as he wiggled his toes. "I will explain how I witnessed this!"  
  
"Finally..." Ginny muttered under her breath.  
  
"Well...seeing that yesterday night Hermione and Snape were not in the Great Hall enjoying the wonderful dinner that the elveys have prepared I decided to go look for them. Sooner or later I found Hermione walking along the corridors and into Snape's classroom. Luckily I brought along my invisibility cloak and got inside before Hermione locked the door. Then a few minutes later you, Ginny, entered the room. I was quite amused when you walked right past me and got to get you're bag. Then as you all know everything else happened and I ran out the room when Hermione left and...well...i'm not really good at explaining things..." He said quite calmly and slowly.  
  
"Headmaster...are you going to sack me?" Snape said hopefully.  
  
"No, I will not sack you, Severus...BUT I will make you do something..." Dumbledore said and winked.  
  
Snape gulped.  
  
"Professor Dumbledore sir...May we and Ginny leave?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Why yes, of course!" Dumbledore said and waved his hand signaling them to leave.  
  
As they were walking up to their Common Room they ran into Harry sexually harassing Colin Creevey. So they stopped right were they where and stared at the scene unfolding right under their eyes.  
  
"Colin! Gosh, you have such a nice soft ass!" Harry said grabbing it.  
  
"Ouch! Harry...can I take a picture of you doing this?" Colin asked.  
  
"Why? Then everyone will find out..." Harry said and clamped his teeth on Colin's right butt cheek.  
  
"Owie!" Colin said and tried to pry himself out of Harry's mouth.  
  
"Harry...What the fuck are you doing?" Ginny said.  
  
As those words hit Harry's ear he looked up; let go of Colin; and stared at Hermione and Ginny.  
  
"Don't tell anyone..." Harry said and ran to the fat lady's portrait.  
  
"That was odd..." Hermione said.  
  
"Not as odd as you fucking Snape!" Ginny said laughing.  
  
"Mudblood fucked Snape?" Said an amused voice from behind.  
  
"Ehehe...Hi, Draco..." Hermione said a fake smile plastered on her face as she turned around.  
  
"Yeah she gave him a lapdance!" Ginny said and Hermione elbowed her in the stomach.  
  
"This is true? HAHAHA! I'm gonna have a field day on this one, Granger!" Draco said and walked right past them screaming "GRANGER DID PROFESSOR SNAPE! TEACHERS AND STUDENTS...BEWARE OF THE DISGUSTING STRAIGHT OUTSTANDING WHORE!"  
  
Hermione turned to Ginny in disgust while Ginny just kept giggling her ass off.  
  
"Now look what you've done!" Hermione said in disgust and ran off to the girls bathroom to cry.  
  
"Haha...SORRY!" Ginny yelled at the retreating Hermione. Ginny felt like she wanted to share this news with the whole of Gryffindor before Malfoy shares it even more; so Ginny ran to the Common Room and told everyone.  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-  
  
Haha...this chapter was kinda stupid...lol. Anyway next chapter is: Ron Is Stoned...and BUSTED! 


	3. Ron Is SBS, Draco Plays Pretend and Seam...

Hogwarts...The 'Insane' Asylum  
  
By: DracoLishuzZ  
  
Disclaimer: dun dun dun once again I do not own anything except for this lousy story that is quite amusing...lol.  
  
NOTE: I might've changed the chapter title...lol  
  
Chapter 3: Ron Is S.B.S, Draco Plays Pretend and Seamus's 1st Time.  
  
S.B.S stands for 'Stoned, Busted and Stupid'  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
Ron was in the boy's dormitory he was awake but he was also fake sleeping oh and he was also waiting for the dormitory to clear out so he could stick heroine in himself. As Seamus Finnigan got up to leave Ron quickly closed his eyes as Seamus walked out of the room.  
  
"Finally all you bloody retards left!" Ron whispered and reached for his trunk underneath his bed. As he opened up the trunk he swatted at some "non- useful" things. Finally he found what he was looking for...his heroine needle. He picked it up; sucked up some heroine and injected it into his arm. When he was done injecting himself he took it out and quickly disposed of it.  
  
He sat there on his bed for a while and he noticed a little ladybug on his counter and laughed at it.  
  
"You're so stupid little buggy," Ron said pointing at it and thinking that the bug could hear him. Then Ron decided to stand up as he did so he accidentally tripped on Harry's pink fuzzy bunny slippers and he landed head first onto Harry's bed.  
  
"Bloody stupid slippers..." Ron breathed into Harry's mattress and sorta fell asleep.  
  
In the common room everyone found out from Ginny that Hermione slept with all the teachers to get good grades. Some students even considered following in Hermione's footsteps. Hermione was still not back from the bathroom yet. So anyway while we wait for Ron to wake up and Hermione to come back let's venture into the Slytherin Common Room...lol.  
  
"Here you are my lord..." Crabbe said handing Draco some Playboy magazines.  
  
Draco stared at the cover. "That hot blondie, again?" He said picking it up and flipping through it.  
  
"Pamela Anderson is her name, my lord," Goyle said bowing down and presenting some pumpkin juice.  
  
Draco laughed rather high pitched and shrilly, "I didn't ask for her name you dolt! Now you don't EVER correct me unless I tell you to!" he screamed.  
  
"Yes my lord..." Goyle shuddered.  
  
"You three are still playing 'Pretend To Be Lord Voldemort'?" Blaise Zabini asked in disbelief.  
  
The three of them stared at her in mock shock. *ooh that rhymed...^-^ not that you care but...STILL...*  
  
"We're not playing! We're acting! Once 'Mr. I'm Not Insane' (Harry) kills him they'd want to make a movie," Draco said.  
  
"Riiiight...well you three have been 'acting' since 3 a.m. in the morning aren't you guys tired?"  
  
"Well...yeah but we wanna be really good when they pick out the actors to play the roles!" Draco said.  
  
"Well then who's gonna be a Draco Malfoy? Or a Crabbe and Goyle?" She asked again.  
  
"Uhm...Tom Felton *lol* can be me and other people can be Crabbe and Goyle...BESIDES we wanna be the REAL villains!" Draco said and Crabbe and Goyle nodded their heads.  
  
"Oook...well I think I'll leave you weirdos alone then..." She said and left.  
  
"Finally!" Draco, Crabbe and Goyle said in unison.  
  
"Anyway..." Draco started. "Crabbe what are the plans to destroy that wretched boy everyone calls Harry Potter?" he said in his Voldemort voice.  
  
"Uhm...My lord...we have none..." Crabbe said.  
  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Draco said annoyed of the answer that Crabbe gave him.  
  
"I have an idea!" Goyle said and Draco stared coldly at him. "Er...Let me rephrase that...I have an idea, my lord!"  
  
"Yeah?" Draco said and Goyle nodded. "Tell me..."  
  
And they plan to kill off Harry...anyway Ron finally wakes up...lol.  
  
"Whadda?" Ron said looking up and squinting his eyes. "Whurr am I?" He asked himself and he slumped to the floor. He looked around and found one of Harry's bunny slippers; he picked it up and started to talk to it.  
  
"Hello there bunny king!" Ron said grinning. "I like eggs!" The bunny slipper just stared at him.  
  
"Why're you staring at me like that?" Ron said getting a bit freaked out and provoked so he slammed the slipper on the ground. The bunny made that famous 'You've Got Mail' AOL quote.  
  
"Haha! I GOT MAIL!" Ron said and slammed the bunny on the ground again. "I GOT MAIL! I GOT MAIL! I GOT MAIL!" *Hahah I'm making him act like that retard offa Crank Yankers...LOL*  
  
Ron suddenly had the idea that he should show everyone this so he ran out of the dormitories and into the Common Room.  
  
"LOOK AT THIS EVERYONE!" Ron said and socked the bunny slipper so it said 'you've got mail'. "I GOT MAIL! I GOT MAIL!"  
  
Everyone stared at him in amusement until Ginny walked up to Ron and smacked him hard on the head.  
  
"Ow! Mommy don't do that!" Ron said and socked the bunny slipper again. "Haha! I GOT MAIL!"  
  
Ginny then took Ron by the ear and led him to a corner of the room. Ron was still socking the poor-poor bunny slipper.  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you to NOT blow you're savings on heroine and taking it early in the morning!" Ginny screamed so the whole of Gryffindor could hear. "YOU'RE STONED, BUSTED AND STUPID!" Ginny yelled and marched off to the girls dormitories.  
  
Ron looked like he didn't take in anything that Ginny said and continued to sock the poor slipper and yell 'I GOT MAIL!' for about the whole day missing all his classes.  
  
At around 4:00 PM Hermione walked into the common room still wiping her eyes. As she walked into the room everyone held their breath and stared at her. She didn't notice this so she just sat on the couch in front of the fire sniffing.  
  
Seamus Finnigan walked up to her. "So, Hermione, fancy giving me a good time, then, eh?" He said grinning.  
  
Hermione looked up at him and decided she wanted to do something to cheer herself up and her idea of cheering herself up was not by stupid crappy homework it was by making out with someone. "Sure...meet me at the Astronomy Tower at around...11:30 then," she said and buried her face in the pillows.  
  
Seamus looked around grinning and suddenly jumped up into the air and said "I'M GETTING LAID!" and ran out of the common room to spread the news Dean Thomas muttering "And I thought that would never happen..." followed Seamus out of the room.  
  
Harry suddenly noticed Hermione and stopped trying to chomp down on Colin's ass in a secluded corner and walked over to Hermione.  
  
"Did you tell anyone about me?" He squeaked quite loudly so everyone in the common room shutted up and listened to Harry and Hermione.  
  
"No, I didn't tell anyone that you sexually harassed Colin Creevey last night in front of a portrait of a little girl...now she's cookoo in the head," Hermione said imitating Harry's squeaky loud voice.  
  
"Oh...OK!" Harry said not aware that the whole common room heard this; so Harry walked back to the secluded corner and chomped on Colin's ass again.  
  
At around 11:30 Hermione fell asleep and forgot all about her meeting with Seamus...  
  
"Where is she?" Seamus said walking back and forth on the astronomy tower. He was waiting for her ...not realizing that she wouldn't come at all. Dean Thomas who was hiding from Seamus wanted to watch. 'Come on, Hermione show up...I want to see my free porn!' Dean thought and a grin came on his face.  
  
((Begin Dean's 'Free Porn' Fantasy))  
  
Hermione walked into the astronomy tower wearing nothing but sexy black lingerie with a hole in the crotch. Seamus stood there with his mouth open and he had quite a big boner.  
  
"Come and get me Sexymus," Hermione said and she purred.  
  
"Hubba...Hubba," Seamus said.  
  
And they fucked and fucked and fucked...  
  
((End Dean's 'Free Porn' Fantasy))  
  
Dean Thomas just sat there with his mouth open and jacking off. *LOL.*  
  
Suddenly someone or rather someone's pet came on top of the astronomy tower.  
  
"Hermione! I didn't know you were an animagus!" Seamus said brightly and picked up "Hermione" or rather Mrs. Norris.  
  
"Meow," Mrs. Norris 'Hermione' said.  
  
"Come on! Change back to your human form!" Seamus said.  
  
"Meow," Mrs. Norris said again.  
  
"I know what will make you change out of this cat form!" Seamus said and dropped his pants to butt-fuck 'Hermione the Cat'. *LMAO*  
  
"Meow! MEOW! MEOOOOOWWRRR!" Mrs. Norris yelped.  
  
"OH YEAH!" Seamus yelled at the top of his lungs.  
  
Dean Thomas stopped jacking off to his fantasy and look at his best friend and a cat fucking...Dean suddenly had an urge to puke and he did. But Seamus didn't hear Dean puking because he was to busy screaming and butt fucking.  
  
"Oy! What are you doing to my kitty?!" Filch said suddenly coming up from the astronomy tower entrance.  
  
Seamus didn't stop butt-fucking the cat but he did stop screaming.  
  
"You're kitty? This is Hermione Granger!" Seamus said brightly.  
  
"That there's not Hermione...That there's my kitty, Mrs. Norris!" Filch said.  
  
"Oh...really?" Seamus said and looked down at the cat. "AAAAHHHHHHH! IT IS!" He screamed and ejected his dick from Mrs. Norris' ass and she happily leapt out of his hands.  
  
"Well...I won't give you detention but...Now it's my turn!" Filch said and dropped his pants and butt-fucked Mrs. Norris.  
  
"That's sick..." Seamus said and he was disgusted of himself. "I can't believe my first time was with a cat..."  
  
"Oh don't worry lad! My first time was with a cat too!" Filch said trying to reassure Seamus. Seamus just stared at Filch. "What? I thought that would cheer you up! Now that I think of it...all of my times were with a cat..."  
  
"Great. Nice to know..." Seamus said shuddering and left the astronomy tower being closely followed by Dean Thomas.  
  
BOOM! CRACKLE! SMASH! Those were the sounds that emitted from the Slytherin common room. Draco, Crabbe and Goyle finally had their stupid plan to destroy that wretched boy everyone calls Harry Potter.  
  
"HAHAHAHA!" Draco laughed shrilly. "You have done well Goyle, I shall reward you," he added.  
  
"Yes, thank you my lord," Goyle said and crawled up to Draco's feet to kiss them.  
  
After he was done kissing them Draco ordered Crabbe to wipe off Goyle's lip markings.  
  
"You shall be rewarded too, Crabbe!" Draco said in his high-pitched very irritating Voldemort voice as he calls it. "Just don't kiss my fashionably delicious now and later gator boots," *HAHA Snoop Dogg's now and later gators from P.I.M.P LOL.*  
  
"Yes, my lord...thank you my lord," Crabbe said bowing.  
  
"Why do you guys say thank you when I haven't given it to you yet?" Draco said in his normal voice.  
  
"It's...It's in the script Draco," Goyle said pointing to a thick booklet labeled Script.  
  
"Ah, yes of course, how silly of me," Draco said and smacked his forehead.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle rolled their eyes.  
  
"Now back to acting..." Draco said and cleared his throat. "Is it ready, my minions?" he added.  
  
"Yes, it's ready my lord," Goyle said grinning.  
  
"I didn't tell you to grin..." Draco said narrowing his eyes into little slits.  
  
Goyle's eyes widened and he wiped the grin of his face with a tablecloth lol.  
  
"Thaank you," Draco said. "Now get my vodka and lemonade."  
  
"Yes me lordy," Goyle said and stalked off to get Draco's vodka and lemonade. When Goyle came back with the spiked lemonade he also put sleeping potions and various things in it cause he thought it was sugar. LOL.  
  
Draco drank the whole cup and soon he was knocked out and drooling over the couch...END OF CHAPTER!  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
Now I'm thinking you probably want to know the plan Draco and them were preparing. Well if you know Goyle it's gonna be extremely stupid haha there's a hint. Well uhm...4th chapter will be called...Draco er Voldemort's Derisive Plan To Get Rid Of That Potter Boy. LOL I don't know the chapter might be called something else though...ahahah. Oh and GIENAH...I don't know lol. Now that you have read you have to reply now...muahaha...go on click that button. AAAANNDDDDD I also take criticism so haha reply away CRITICIZE MY WRITING! AND THAT'S AN ORDER! LOL. 


	4. DEVPTDHPACIF!

Hogwarts...The 'Insane' Asylum  
  
By: DracoLishuzZ  
  
Disclaimer: I WON'T WORRY MY LIFE AWAY! LOL. Jason Mraz - Remedy (I Won't Worry) anywayz...me no here me go bye you leave message me reply...sike sike sike...lol I don't own nothing cept this story...if you call it a story it's more of a humorous disturbing perverted drama lmao.  
  
NOTE: I might've changed the chapter title...lol once again! Oh aaanddd...I'M GONNA CONTINUE WRITING THIS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! *blows a raspberry*  
  
Note numba 2: oh and uhm...i reread this lots of times and it's not that funny...seriously...i couldn't think so blame my brain...oh and my monitor is like freaking out so yeah...  
  
Chapter 4: D.E.V.P.T.D.H.P.A.C.I.F!  
  
I like naming this chapter 4...lol or D.E.V.P.T.D.H.P.A.C.I.F hahah but chapter 4 is much more like it...oh and d.e.v.p.t.d.h.p.a.c.i.f. Means: Draco er 'Voldemort's' Plan To Destroy Harry Potter and Cussing In French!  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
Draco awoke from his spiked lemonade nappie.  
  
"Goyle...what the fuck did you put in my lemonade?!!!" Draco asked.  
  
"Uhm...sugar and various other things," Goyle said.  
  
"Ah...ok then," Draco said. "I think we'll go back to the plan now...Is everything ready?"  
  
Crabbe and Goyle nodded.  
  
"Excellento!" Draco said. "Hmm...lemme try my French out first..."  
  
"Ok..." Crabbe said.  
  
"Bonjour, Je mapelle Draco Malfoy et tu?" Draco said to Crabbe. *I don't think I spelled it right... :/*  
  
"Uhhh..." Crabbe said and stared into space.  
  
Draco rolled his eyes and tried out the sentence on Goyle.  
  
"Hmm..." Goyle said and he too stared into space.  
  
"QUE LA BAISE?! VOUS DEUX AS STUPIDE ABRUTI! BAISE VOUS! BAISE VOUS DEUX VOUS STUPIDE ABRUTI!!!" Draco yelled in French and started to throw a tantrum while jumping up and down on the leather couch. *muahaha you'll have to find out what that means in French by yourself unless you IM me on aim haha...sn: DracoLishuzZ*  
  
"What are you saying?" Crabbe said.  
  
"Huh? Oh you don't need to know, anyway, is the TV ready?" Draco said impatiently.  
  
"Yes, me lord," Goyle said taking out the script book again.  
  
"How bout the dvd player and the dvd rom?" Draco asked again.  
  
Crabbe nodded and pointed to a silver shiny box on top of a table next to a nice silver shiny flat screen flat paneled tv.  
  
"Excellent, hehe...time to lure Harry Potter into the Slytherin common room then..." Draco said and set off towards the Gryffindor common room.  
  
"Password?" The fat lady asked.  
  
"Uhm..." Draco said looking around and luckily a stupid little first year got up behind him and squealed, "Shag me." The portrait opened and Draco crawled into the common room with the stupid first year.  
  
As everyone noticed Draco Malfoy when he entered the common room they gasped in surprise and stared at him.  
  
"What the fuck are all of you looking at?" He said putting emphasis on the word you. Everyone stiffened up and turned away.  
  
"Anyway, has anyone seen Harry Potter? I have quite a nice surprise for him..." Draco said.  
  
And then a person that looked like a 3rd year pointed to the boy's dormitories.  
  
Draco didn't want to say thanks so he just flicked him off and went up to the dormitories.  
  
"Oy! Potty! I gotta surprise for you in the Slytherin common room!" He shouted. As soon as those words came out of his mouth Harry appeared sitting down and looking up at Draco. Harry hugged Draco's knees and squealed, "Oh, I just knew you'd come back to me!"  
  
Draco stiffened and looked down at Harry. "No, I didn't come back to you...I came for you, meaning that I Draco Malfoy needs something to be done and you, Harry Potter also known as Potter, Potty, Scarhead, and Harry, by many, should be the one to be doing that something that needs to be done,"  
  
Harry looked up at Draco in a puzzled fashion. He did not get what Draco just said.  
  
"What?" Harry said with his mouth open.  
  
"Never mind you dolt, follow me," Draco said and walked out of the dormitory and common room with Harry closely following behind.  
  
'Ha! I got the sucker to follow me...' Draco thought a smirk emitting from his mouth. They came to the Slytherin dungeon and Draco muttered the password (Supercalifragilisticexpeialidoshous). *I don't know how to spell it...*  
  
They walked into the common room and sat down on a leather couch. Draco looked around, 'Where was Crabbe and Goyle?' he thought and they suddenly emerged carrying some chains and an electric chair.  
  
"Whazzat fer?" Harry asked trying to sound casual but with a hint of panic in his voice.  
  
"Oh...nothing," Draco said dismissively, "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" he aimed his wand at Harry.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle suddenly took Harry put him in the chair and chained him there.  
  
"HAHAHA!" Draco laughed high-pitched and very annoying. "YOU FELL FOR IT! YOU FELL FOR IT YOU IDIOT!" He said pointing a finger at Harry and jumping up and down.  
  
"Hahaha," Crabbe and Goyle laughed stupidly.  
  
"Hahahaha!" Harry laughed also. "I can't believe I fell for it! I'm so unlucky!"  
  
"You're not supposed to laugh with us..." Draco muttered. "Anyway, Crabbe play the movie," Draco said and sat down on his favorite couch.  
  
Crabbe pressed menu on the dvd remote controller and immediately pressed select as the cursor landed on play.  
  
"Oh boy! Oh boy! What are we gonna watch?" Harry said his eyes darting excitedly as Draco muttered the counter curse for 'petrificus totalus'.  
  
"You'll see," Draco said, "Accio popcorn."  
  
"Oh boy! Oh boy! I hope it's Barney and Friends or better Elmo's World no wait...TELETUBBIES!" Harry screeched as the opening theme played.  
  
"SHUT UP! I'm trying to watch!" Draco yelled hitting Harry on the back of his head.  
  
"OWWWWWW!" Harry wailed.  
  
"SHUT THE FUDGE UP!" Draco yelled.  
  
"Cornelius Fudge? WHERE? OHHH! ON THE TV!" Harry said excitedly.  
  
"What?" Draco said and laid his eyes on the television. "Goyle...What's Fudge doing in black lingerie with Professor Umbridge on the tv?" he asked.  
  
Goyle shrugged and walked over to the dvd took the movie out and replaced it with a different one.  
  
This time the movie played automatically and the scene landed right on Uncle Vernon's house of Privet Drive Number 4.  
  
"Oh boy! Oh boy! I see your old house elf Drakiepoo!" Harry said staring openmouthed at Dobby and...Harry Potter. "Oh boy! What's this?" Harry squealed.  
  
"It's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets..." Draco muttered staring at Dobby in disgust.  
  
"That Harry boy doesn't look like me!!!!!" Harry said in a voice that went low and high. "What's his name! I NEED TO REPLACE HIM!"  
  
"I have no idea what his name is...but will you just shut up?" Draco said and picked up the remote to go to the bookshop scene.  
  
The Draco on TV said, "Bet you loved that, didn't you Potter?" and "Can't even go into a bookshop without making the front page," and "Potter, you've got yourself a girlfriend!"  
  
'Do I look that sexy?' Draco thought and picked up a mirror that was on the table next to his chair. He looked at himself and at Tom Felton on the TV. 'Do I, the strangely conceited Draco Malfoy look like that boy, Tom Felton?' He stared at Tom and then at his reflection.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Harry said. "HOW DID THEY KNOW THAT HAPPENED?!"  
  
'Hmm...I don't think he looks better then me...does he?' Draco thought again and looked at Tom then at his reflection. 'Unless I have a twin...hmm...I shall ask father about this.'  
  
"EEEK! YOU'RE FATHER LOOKS SO...FEMININE!" Harry yelled looking at Draco.  
  
"Huh? Oh god...that's who they picked to play my father? HAHA! Quite a nice resemblance too," Draco chuckled.  
  
"OH GOD! I CAN'T WAAATCH! THIS IS TORTURE! RON IS NOT SEXY IN THIS!!!" Harry squealed shutting his eyes.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle were watching the movie and not blinking they were so engulfed into the movie.  
  
"Heh...they picked the right person to play me! He's sexy, he's tall, his hair is just fabulous, his eyes are dashing, his smile is charming, aaaaannnddd to top it all off, he has all the right things I do!" Draco said merrily. "I'm so proud of the director..." and a tear went down his face.  
  
"I CAN'T WATCH! NOO! NOT THE POOR FORD ANGLIA!" Harry said and knocked his glasses off his face.  
  
Draco, Crabbe and Goyle were enjoying the scene and eating popcorn.  
  
"EEEEK! THAT SO DID NOT HAPPEN!" Harry said. He was offended obviously. Then out of nowhere a snake came out from underneath the couch and slithered up Harry's leg. It lay on top of Harry's package and slithered around.  
  
"OH GOD! I've just been violated by a snake..." Harry muttered. "Actually it felt kinda good!" *hahaha...THE GRIND COMERCIAL!*  
  
As Harry laughed about his violation the snake suddenly got violated and sunk his teeth on Harry's package and Harry er...to put it simple he died instantly while no one noticed.  
  
When the movie finished Draco stood up to look at Harry. Harry was lying there blood dripping, drool coming out of his mouth and his head lolling absently from side to side.  
  
"Hey...are you ok?" Draco said smacking Harry. Harry's head rolled to the left. "Hey guys...I think he's dead...and this time the murder is not my fault..." Draco said and sat down on the couch. Suddenly the common room door opened and Snape walked in.  
  
"What's Potter doing here?" He sneered his lip curling automatically.  
  
"He uh...he came here to die, sir," Draco said.  
  
"To die, eh? Well then that means I don't get to teach him anymore..." and as that thought came to his head Snape jumped into the air with a "yipee!" He did that for a loooong time and suddenly he straightened up and said, "This calls for a celebration-er-This calls for the attention of Dumbledore." and Snape hurried out the door to tell Dumbledore.  
  
Suddenly Harry's ghost appeared behind Draco.  
  
"HELLO DARLING!" Harry said and wrapped his transparent hands around Draco's neck, which didn't work because he was a ghost so he went through Draco.  
  
"Oh god...he's still here guys...I think I'll call the Bloody Baron," and Draco went off in search of the Bloody Baron.  
  
Ron and Hermione were walking through the corridors looking for Harry.  
  
"I wonder where he went..." Ron said walking.  
  
"Not me, I could care less were he went," Hermione said and stopped and stared at Ron.  
  
"What?" Ron said and stared at Hermione staring at him.  
  
"I mean, he's always wanted a threesome with us..." Hermione said.  
  
"Oh yeah..." Ron said that thought finally coming to him. "I guess he won't have it then."  
  
"OF COURSE HE WON'T HAVE IT..." Hermione said.  
  
"True," Ron said.  
  
"I really like you, Ron," Hermione said and leaned in to kiss Ron and they kissed and kissed and kissed and FRENCH kissed and ENGLISH kissed and GERMAN kissed and ASIAN kissed actually I really don't know what English, German, and Asian kissed is...but they did it anyway.  
  
Around the corner Seamus, Dean, and Ginny were taping this.  
  
"This is soooo good!" Dean said taping the scene with a camcorder.  
  
"Yeah...But I wish it was me she was kissing though..." Seamus said.  
  
"Well...for starters...you can kiss me?" Ginny suggested and Seamus turned around and kissed her and...well did everything Hermione and Ron were doing at the present moment.  
  
Dean turned the camcorder to focus on Ginny and Seamus. Dean was cackling like mad. 'I have lots of blackmail!' he thought deliciously in his head. Suddenly a tape fell out of nowhere and hit him on the head. He picked it up stopped the camcorder and popped in the newly found tape and played it.  
  
The tape was of Cornelius Fudge in black lingerie giving a naked Umbridge a nice little lap dance. Dean stared shocked and open mouthed at what he was witnessing.  
  
He cackled like mad again and decided he'd show it to the Daily Prophet so he ran towards the owlery and took Draco's large Eagle Owl and climbed on aboard. He was soaring to the Ministry of Magic. And since I don't want to explain things he just ended up in the Daily Prophet place.  
  
"I have a great story..." Dean grinned.  
  
"Really? Show me," Some journalist said.  
  
And Dean showed her the tape. She looked at Dean obviously speechless of this footage he had and she decided to write a nice story and submit it to the Quibbler and the Prophet.  
  
"Soo..." Dean said very sure that this story was going to be in the Prophet. "How much do I get?"  
  
"Oh you get a looot for this young man..." She said and beckoned him into her office were he gets laid for his very first time.  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
Hahaha...not really funny but perverted nonetheless...lolz. Gimme a review please...cruel comments accepted haha. Next chapter: Dean Gets Sued & Harry's Funeral ...Sorry it's not AS funny as the last ones...i've been feeling a bit off color. 


	5. Dean Gets Sued, Harry’s Funeral, SIRIUS ...

Hogwarts...The 'Insane' Asylum  
  
By: DracoLishuzZ  
  
Disclaimer: I want it I need it all the time I love it gotta have it sex I love...uhm...that was ginuwine ft. snoop - sex [remix] ahaha gotta have that song! lol ok anyway...i own harry's funeral and dean's blackmail on everyone ahahahahah! but nothing else...  
  
NOTE: I change the chapter title! *blows a raspberry* and stay tuned for the wonderful guest appearances! They're absolutely spiffing! ...lol.  
  
Chapter 5: Dean Gets Sued, Harry's Funeral, SIRIUS LIVES and Guest Appearances!  
  
Oh and uncontrollable here's what the French stuff was: "what the fuck?! You two are stupid assholes! Fuck you! Fuck you two you stupid assholes!!!" hahaha I don't blame you for getting It wrong though.  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
Let's start this off at Harry's Funeral...  
  
Funeral music plays as they lower Harry's body into the ground. Hagrid dug the hole himself; the hole was by his cabbage and carrot fields. He thought Harry's body would be some niiiice fertilizer.  
  
"Dobby thinks Harry shouldn't have died...So Dobby the elf hired Barney to be the priest!" Dobby said and punched himself because he gave out "valuable" information.  
  
"It's all right there Dobby..." Colin sniffed and looked longingly at Harry being lowered into his grave.  
  
"NO! IT IS NOT ALL RIGHT! DOBBY MUST DIE FOR HARRY! HE VIOLATED ME AS MUCH AS I VIOLATED HIM!" And Dobby fell smack on top of Harry's coffin were he fell unconscious and Hagrid not looking at Dobby just put a whole pile of Dragon dung and mud and dirt and stuff to cover up the grave.  
  
"Tha' there was a grea' frien'," Hagrid said saluting to Harry.  
  
"Hoy, hoy, hoy!" Barney laughed. "It's time to get this funeral started!"  
  
"About time!" Sirius said in disgust. "I thought that Lily and James would have had a better son that that homosexual Harry James Potter." *YAY! Sirius isn't dead!! muahaha!*  
  
"All rightey then!" Barney said brightly even though it was a funeral. "First we have to sing the welcome song!"  
  
"Tha welcome song?" Hagrid said confused.  
  
"Yes! The welcome song!" Barney said. "Ok, everyone sing along!"  
  
And it went something like this. "We are here to bury Harry. I came here by the ferry. After this is done let's celebrate and be merry! Because we are here to bury Harry!!!"  
  
Sirius, Hagrid, Colin, Barney, and Dobby (who was buried but not forgotten) sang to that stupid song.  
  
"WAAAAAIT!" someone yelled from the distance. "YOU MUST NOT BURY MY PRECIOUS!!!"  
  
Everyone turned around with the exception of Barney cause he was to fat to see ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ................... *aren't you just getting sick of this dots?? LOL* ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ .................................................... GOLLUM FROM THE LORD OF THE RINGS TWO TOWERS!  
  
"YOU MUST NOT BURY MY PRECIOUS! MY LOVE! MY OWN!" Gollum screamed and dived into the gravesite and emerged 5 minutes later carrying a ring.  
  
"Dobby the little bastard took my ring!" Gollum screeched. "NO! Dobby is my friend!" he screeched again. "Yeah? Well Dobby is a little BITCH!" he screeched. *ahaha the mtv 2003 mva's lol*  
  
"This fella seems to have two personalities!" Barney said. "Oh well! The more the merrier!"  
  
And they carried on with the funeral and since I have no clue what they say in those things I am not spending more time at that place...Gollum's cool but he creeps me out...anyway to the ministry of magic awaits the fate of Dean Thomas "the master blackmailer!"  
  
"I DIDN'T DO IT!!!" Dean said yelling at Cornelius Fudge.  
  
"Do what?" Fudge said confused.  
  
"Oh...never mind then!" Dean said and got up from the chair he was sitting on. Dean was being trialed by the full Wizengamot today.  
  
"Fudge you dolt!" Umbridge screamed. "He's supposed to be sued for black mailing us!"  
  
"Oooh...so that's what I'm doing for my regular 'waste my time trial' today!" Fudge said comprehension dawning upon his bloated face.  
  
"Yes..." Umbridge said impatiently.  
  
"Well if he gets sued all I want is...His pubic hair...i've seen to have run out on mines..." Fudge said patting his crotch.  
  
"WHAT? YOU CAN HAVE HIS MONEY! HIS VIDEO TAPE..." Umbridge said in her annoyingly stupid voice.  
  
"You can have my pubes!" Dean said brightly. "Just wait one moment!" and Dean cut off his armpit hair because he didn't feel comfortable showing off his penis and hair.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAY!" Fudge screamed with delight as Dean's hair floated down upon his face. "Mmmmmmm...sweaty..."  
  
"Oh my god..." Umbridge croaked and died.  
  
"You're free of all charges!" Fudge said and disapparated.  
  
Dean beamed to himself. 'All that fatso wanted was some pubes...ehehe...that was easy enough!' and he left for school again.  
  
Meanwhile in the Headmaster's office.  
  
"La de da de da!" Dumbledore said and frolicked around his office in his tight black miniskirt. His hair and beard were braided and put into ponytails.  
  
"Oh Fawkes...don't you just love it when I'm prancing around?" Dumbledore said and danced to Justin Timberlake's 'Senorita'.  
  
Fawkes shook his head disdainfully.  
  
"Headmaster sir...I prefer Hilary Duff's 'So Yesterday'," Phineas Nigellus said in protest. Many of the paintings in his room were laughing their portraits off.  
  
"NOOOO! I TOLD YOU! I DON'T LIKE HER! Her leather pants aren't tight enough..." Dumbledore simpered. "AND DON'T MAKE ME USE MY BIG VOICE! I DON'T LIKE IT!"  
  
"Fine, fine, fine..." Phineas said sadly and disappeared from his portrait. Suddenly Professor McGonagall entered the office carrying GOLLUM! and being closely followed by Legolas a.k.a Leg Of Lamb...lmao.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOH! What an adorable creature that is you're carrying!" Dumbledore said and stared in amusement at the struggling Gollum.  
  
"Get you're hands off me, witch!" Gollum screeched. "GIVE ME BACK MY PRECIOUS MY LOVE MY OWN!"  
  
"SHUT UP GOLLUM!" Legolas screamed.  
  
"NOOOOO! YOU FILTHY LITTLE ELF!" Gollum screeched again. "He's not filthy and he's not little...he's actually quite nice..." Gollum's other half said, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP MY NICE SIDE, SHUT UP!!!"  
  
"Both of your sides shut up!" Legolas screamed in Gollum's face. Gollum's bad side acted quite rude to this...he licked Legolas's face...while Gollum's good side just smiled and whimpered softly.  
  
"OOOOH! AN ELF!!! Wait...Wha?" Dumbledore said confused cause the only elves he's seen were ruddy little house elves with HUGE EYES LIKE THIS 'O.O' and BIG ears like this '(\_/)' and a HUGE nose like this '====D' (actually that last one there looks like something else if you get what I mean... something more like this perhaps 'O====D~~~' does that say what I mean? lol.)  
  
"He's an elf Dumblydorey...He's just the nice...sexy...rawrrr..." McGonagall muttered eyeing Legolas freakily like she wanted to fuck him or something...  
  
"OOOOOOH! That sort of elf! I wanted to be one for Halloween...But they ran outta costumes..." Dumbledore said sadly. "ANYWAY! LETS SEE WHO'S HERE SHALL WE?"  
  
And he started to count who was there not including the people who popped out of their portraits in time because they knew Dumbledore wanted to have ANOTHER orgy... .  
  
Let's go back to Harry's funeral shall we...  
  
"OK! TIME TO CELEBRATO!" Sirius said and brought out a bright yellow boom box. "Yo! Colin! Bring out the firewhisky!" Sirius turned on the boom box and the song called 'Celebrate' echoed loudly through the grounds.  
  
"HOY! HOY! HOY!" Barney laughed and did the 'chicken'.  
  
"Celebrate! Celebrate! Come on and celebrate!" Colin screeched and decided to "dance" to the music.  
  
"OH YEAH! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" Sirius said turning the volume up louder and drenching himself in firewhisky before performing some of Elvis's pelvic movements. LMAO.  
  
"Aren' ya'll gon' mourn fer Harry?" Hagrid asked in shock because NOBODY seemed to want to mourn for Harry.  
  
"NOPE!" They all screamed except for Barney who was still doing the 'chicken'.  
  
"Ah well...I guess I'll have ter foller tha crow' then!" Hagrid said and drank a barrel full of whisky.  
  
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" Sirius yelled patting Hagrid on the back. Sirius was drunk beyond drunk...I don't know if that made sense but...he was.  
  
"Can I join in on the fun too?" Snape said combing back his greasy hair and eyeing them wistfully.  
  
"OF COURSE YOU CAN, SNIVELLY!" Sirius said and hugged Snape for no apparent reason at all.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Snape said and hugged Sirius back. In a few minutes time Sirius and Snape were "hug-fighting". (Hug-Fighting : A series of being hugged forcefully by another person and then returning the hugging favor in a huggable non-violent fashion) haha the definition is fucked...LOL.  
  
Ok since I haven't really been talking about Dean...Well here he is, then...  
  
Dean walked happily through the corridors beaming at everyone and he kinda scared them all because his teeth were too white they were like...whiter then white and he blinded them.  
  
"Dean...what are you so worked up about?" Seamus said while Crookshanks came from out of were Seamus was butt-fucking him.  
  
"I WON MY CASE!" Dean said and smiled.  
  
"Ooh...would you mind not smiling?" Seamus said shielding himself from Dean's whitely glow.  
  
"Mmm...OK!" Dean said and closed his mouth.  
  
"Great...so what'd Fudge want?"  
  
"Ooh...he just wanted my...PUBES!"  
  
"REALLY? COOOOOL! you are now officially pube-less for the day!" Seamus said and took Colin's camera and took a picture of Dean.  
  
"COOL!" Dean said and carried on with his blinding people thing.  
  
MEANwhile in the SLYTHERIN common room... (I have no clue why I capitalized those letters...)  
  
Draco ran screaming from the common room and appeared in the boys dormitory apparently out of breath. He was "trying" to run from Harry's ghost and what I mean by trying was that he kept failing every time...  
  
"HELLO DARLING!" Harry screamed as he came up from the bed Draco was sitting on.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Draco said and ran from the room.  
  
"I wonder what my darling would do when he RUNS OUT OF BREATH!" Harry said enthusiastically and followed Draco out of the room cackling like mad.  
  
"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Draco yelled when Harry cornered Draco.  
  
"Whhhhhyyyyyyyy?" Harry whined. "There's no one else to follow..."  
  
"Uhm...sure there is! There's Ron! and uh...COLIN! and maybe just maybe you'd follow...TOM FELTON!" Draco yelled hopefully.  
  
"Tom Felton is hotter then both of you so I guess I'll go stalk him then..." Harry said and made to leave to find Tom.  
  
"Whew..." Draco sighed and made to leave the room just when Harry popped back in and said, "SIKE! I WANNA STALK YOU AAAALLLLLL YEAR!"  
  
"OH MY GOD!!! I'M CALLING THE GHOST-BUSTERS!!!" Draco said and uhm...illegally disapparated to the Ghost-Busters' headquarters.  
  
"Awww...he's no fun at all!" Harry said and left the Slytherin common room in search of FUN!  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
MUAHAHAH! The ghost-busters! dun dun dun! Wasn't that just FANTASTIC?!! yeah sure why not...LOL ok well uhm...STAY TUNED FOR MORE OF...HOGWARTS! The Insane Asylum! 


	6. The Fellowship of the Harry Potter Box! ...

Hogwarts...The 'Insane' Asylum  
  
By: DracoLishuzZ  
  
Disclaimer: hmm...i don't own anything but...i do own this story...does that make sense? hmm...i own nothing but I own this story...OH! I DO OWN SOMETHING! YAAAAH! ^o^! LOL.  
  
Chapter 6: The Fellowship of the Harry Potter Box! LOL  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
Draco apparated on top of a desk full of papers; he looked around. The headquarters surprisingly looked a lot like Weasley's Wizard Wheezes... 'What the hell am I doing in Weasel's older brothers store?' he asked himself as he stared around. He heard voices coming from the bathroom and he decided to investigate on them.  
  
"GGRRR...COME ON DAMN IT! GO OUT! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" A voice very much like Lee Jordan's yelled. Draco heard footsteps at the door and turned around in time to see George or Fred or one of them.  
  
"Move it Malfoy," George or Fred said and pushed Draco away from the bathroom door.  
  
"Why the hell is he screaming?" Draco asked.  
  
"Oh I dunno...Me thinks he's constipated!" He said and smiled brightly. Draco raised an eyebrow. "So whadda ya want? Skeiving Snackboxes or Fireworks? HUH? TELL MEEE! I'M DESPERATE TO SEEELL!!!"  
  
"I want you to get rid of Harry Potter the Ghost..." Draco muttered.  
  
"What'd you say? Get rid of a gardener called Harry?" Fred said confused.  
  
"NO YOU NUT BRAIN! I WANT YOU THE GHOST BUSTER MAN TO GET RID OF HARRY POTTER THE GHOST!" Draco yelled.  
  
"Aah... Well you've come to the wrong person see...I'm Fred not Gred," Fred said shaking his index finger at Draco.  
  
"Gred?" Draco asked puzzled.  
  
"Of course Gred you silly boy you!" Fred said and reached over and pinched one of Draco's cheeks. "GRED! FEORGE! I WANT YOU TO GET RID OF HARRY POTTER THE GHOST FOR MY MAIN MAN MALFOY!"  
  
There were two cracks in the air and two people who looked a lot like Fred and George except their names were Gred and Feorge appeared.  
  
"OK!" Gred and Feorge said brightly together and disapparated to Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizardry.  
  
"Doodle doodle doodle doodle-loo!" Fred said and started tap dancing. "Come on George! It's dancing time!"  
  
George appeared beside Fred and started tap dancing also.  
  
"DRACO! It's your turn!" One of them said and dragged Draco along side with them and started to make him tap dance.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" Draco said and disapparated.  
  
"Gee golly...I think we need to...SELL SOME STUFF!" Fred said.  
  
"YAH! The three S's! Sell Some Stuff! The most important three S's in business ever!" George said.  
  
"Don't forget the 3 G's!" Fred said still tap dancing.  
  
"Oh you just can't forget about those!" George said exuberantly, "Get Gold Galleons!"  
  
And they danced while Lee Jordan was shitting in the bathroom.  
  
"AAAAAAAHHH! THE GHOST BUSTERS ARE AFTER ME!!!!!" Harry's voice boomed through the corridors over the cackling of Peeves.  
  
"HAAAAAAAAARRRRRYYYYYYY!!!!!!!" Gred called after him.  
  
"YEAH! COME BACK!" Feorge said.  
  
"Ron why are you're brothers after Harry?" Hermione asked an amused look on her face.  
  
"Ah...I dunno...Lemme go ask em!" Ron said and skipped his ass over to Gred.  
  
"Hey, Fred! George!"  
  
"Huh? Who're you?" Gred said putting emphasis on you.  
  
"WHAT? You don't remember your own brother?" Ron asked all the color draining from his face.  
  
"I only have one brother and that's him over there!" Gred said and pointed to Feorge who was chasing Harry through the Great Hall.  
  
"Yeah! You have me too! And Bill and Charlie and Percy and you're sister, Ginny!" Ron said.  
  
"No I don't...You're retarded!" Gred said and dashed off to chase Harry and put him in one of those ghost box thingys that they have in the movies.  
  
"FRED OR GEORGE COME BAAAACK!" Ron yelled and chased Gred who chased Feorge who chased Harry who chased Peeves who chased Filch who chased Mrs. Norris who chased Peter Pettigrew who chased Snape who chased Sirius who chased Dobby who chased Gollum who chased Smeagol who chased Legolas who chased Aragon who chased Gimli who chased Frodo who chased Sam who chased Merry who chased Pippin who chased Arwen who chased Gandalf who chased Dumbledore who chased Ron who chased Gred who chased Feorge who chased Har--...*and someone knocked me over the head with a frying pan...lmao*  
  
*and then someone poured cold water over me so then I woke up and started to continue this chasing thing...no I'm just kidding lol.*  
  
"GOTCHA!" Feorge said and put Harry inside a little box.  
  
"GREAT! Whadda we do with it?" Gred said.  
  
"Er...i dunno...let's dump it in the lake!" Peeves said.  
  
"No! We must dump it in the home from which it was made!" Dumbledore said.  
  
"That was my idea you old fraud!" Gandalf said and hit Dumbledore upside the head with his staff.  
  
"Owie..." Dumbledore said and rubbed his boo-boo.  
  
"Er...sure let's dump it in the home from which it was made...?" Gred said.  
  
"GREAT! THEN WE'LL FOREVER BE A HARRY POTTER FREE WORLD!" Sirius said and jumped up and down at the thought along with Snape.  
  
"We have to make the fellowship of the Harry Potter box then!" Gandalf said.  
  
"Oh I know! Let's make the fellowship of the ring in charge of the fellowship of the Harry Potter box!" Gimli said and Legolas, Aragon, Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry nodded their heads in agreement.  
  
"No! We got him so...We get to pick who's in it you little fat dwarf!" Gred said.  
  
"Yeah, go make toys for Santa Clause!" Feorge said.  
  
"That's not fair!! I WANNA BE IN THE FELLOWSHIP! I WANNA BE INVOLVED!" Gimli cried and took his axe and committed suicide.  
  
"Ok anyway...We'll be needing a great wizard!" Gred said and Gandalf puffed out his chest.  
  
"Yeah so we...er...pick...Dumbledore!" Feorge said and Gandalf screamed like a woman and ran headfirst into the wall opposite of him.  
  
"Oooh! Cool! I'm in the fellowship! YADA YADA YADA!" Dumbledore said and walked over to stand by Gred and Feorge.  
  
"Ok...We'll be needing someone with a great sense of smell!" Feorge said and Mrs. Norris meowed with approval for she too wanted to be in the fellowship.  
  
"Yeah so er...We pick the animagus Sirius!" Gred said and held out some doggy biscuits so Sirius could come over to their side.  
  
And they continued picking for about 2 hours...here are the results: Gred, Feorge, Dumbledore, Sirius, Legolas (for some common sense), Gollum (for "survival"), Snape (for making his special fire whiskey), Filch (so he could spank the hell out of the enemies they'll run across), and last but not least...PEEVES! (for the best ways to get revenge).  
  
"That's all folks! Sorry to disappoint all of you who lost so here are your compensation prizes! THANKS FOR COMING GOOD NIGHT!" Gred and Feorge said and locked all the people who weren't in the Fellowship out.  
  
While the other losers were being wowed with their compensation prizes the ones that really wanted to be in the fellowship were throwing tantrums and being mad all that sort of stuff.  
  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T MAKE IT IN THE FELLOWSHIP!" Frodo said and began throwing a temper. "I MEAN! I'm the one with the all too powerful ring of Sauron..."  
  
"We know we know Frodo so just shut the fuck up about it okay?" Aragon said disappointed that pointy ears got in the fellowship and not him.  
  
"Meow...Meow mew mow meow meow..." Mrs. Norris said.  
  
"Yes, Smeagol knows hows you feels kitty...They choses Gollum and not Smeagols..." Smeagol said eyeing the cat hungrily.  
  
"They only want one elf...How's that possible...?" Arwen sniffed. "Aragon gimme back my damn Evenstar! I WANT IT BAAAACK!"  
  
"Fine you whore!" Aragon said and threw it at her.  
  
Meanwhile back in the Great Hall.  
  
"We must leave now!" Dumbledore said and with a wave of his wand lots of his luggage appeared at his feet.  
  
"Yeah sure..." Gred said and they all disapparated to the Hogwarts grounds except for Gollum and Legolas...they flew there with the help of Tinkerbell.  
  
As they all stepped out onto the grounds Hagrid came pelting at them with blast-ended skrewts.  
  
"KILL 'EM BASTARDS THAT LOCKED 'ARRY UP!" He screamed and the blast-ended skrewts obeyed.  
  
They fought a mighty battle and won until... **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** 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**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** ********************************  
  
*OK! STOP IT DAMMIT!*  
  
They fought a mighty battle and won until one of the blast-ended skrewts did one of their fart thingys upon the Harry Potter box and Harry was free to wreck havoc on Draco Malfoy again.  
  
-=-=-=-  
  
Hahahaha! A bit of LOTR while you're at HP land...Haha! Damn it's just so stupid...LOL! Hey I run out of ideas and uhm...I watched LOTR2T again today so...why not? LOL. anyway review it please lol. 


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